78,417
edits
Changes
From Warhammer 40k - Lexicanum
no edit summary
==Hunda Skorvall==
"''He was amongst the elite of the Reaper of Men’s army, and he was granted the mark of the skull and sun to show his rank and standing. The sigil was tattooed upon the thick, pale muscle of his bicep. The glaring skull signified the shadow of death that both loomed over the soldiers and marched as their ally, while the six-pointed star was said to represent the light of the new dawn freedom would bring to Barbarus. His right arm ended in a stump hidden behind greasy bloodstained bandages. He lose it fighting against a dozen kill-beasts. One of them had bitten off his hand and swallowed it, but he had still managed to rip out the monster’s throat and drown it in its own blood. He later had a augmetic hand made for him"'' Is that a 1:1 copy from somewhere? --[[User:Inquisitor S.|Inquisitor S., Großmeister des Ordo Lexicanum]] ([[User talk:Inquisitor S.|talk]]) 11:23, 8 March 2019 (MST)
:You have to work on the style. Always remember: This is an encyclopedia, so the language should not be "poetic" but down to earth facts. For example "Reaper of Men" - I suppose that is Mortarion, so write Mortarion. The whole waffling about his honour mark has to be compacted. And it should go in a separate section like "Physical appearance". Something like (I don't have the original text in front of me, so I'll guess): "Skorvall had a skull and sun tattooed onto his biceps ''(spelling!)'' representing the shadow of death both looming over the soldiers and being their ally and the six-pointed star standing for the new dawn freedom would bring to Barbarus ''(when? why? from who?)''. Skorvall lost his right hand battling a dozen kill-beasts ''(again: when?)'' but had it later replaced by an augmentic one." Generally speaking I assume but have to guess that these events happened during the liberation of Barbarus, but this is not at all clear from the way you wrote it. You put it right after "[...] Mortarion as he took the Death Guard into the Great Crusade." so logically that is where the reader is mentally at this part of the text... So heads up, things should be done by the book, you can do it :) --[[User:Inquisitor S.|Inquisitor S., Großmeister des Ordo Lexicanum]] ([[User talk:Inquisitor S.|talk]]) 14:47, 8 March 2019 (MST)
